I wish I could say this was me everyday. The reality is as I pursue this journey to a more genuine, calm, and centered version of myself it seems I take one step forward and one step back. Like my experiment with my phone in January, which was a miserable failure. I should be stronger than that. I was recently listening to a podcast where they were talking about cell phones and addiction. I could relate to some of it, but not all of it. In small ways that made me a little more conscious about how I use my phone. So I adjusted my more ambitious goals and I am just trying to ask myself a few questions before I pick it up. This helps bring me more fully present. What am I checking? Am I just bored? What do I physically feel if I just leave it? Then I have been regularly plugging it in to charge when I am home. Now if I want to check it I have to walk into another room and pick up the phone. That has a way of making you feel ridiculous. I realized real change comes from all of these very small decisions that we consistently make and then build on, sometimes without noticing. It also helped I was listening to the Minimalist podcast and they were talking about how if you look around and see everyone on their devices also notice that none of them seem happy. I have been doing that, and they are right.
Meditation has been the anchor for me to making many of the small decisions and changes in my life. I feel like it has made me more aware of what I really want. When you get quiet, turns out you can listen alot better. I will say for now, most of my improvement with meditation has been geared toward me. I am definitely calmer and less reactive. I am definitely quieter and actually much more content. Where I still struggle is being fully present in my life especially with other people. I have every intention of doing that and I find I fall into old habits and I will be in a conversation and suddenly I have drifted off. I also really want to be more compassionate. I have been working on it. It is easier with people close to me. I still struggle with judgement and sarcasm, which have been a part of my life for so long. They are such a comfort zone for me. I am trying to leave conversations that turn negative or gossipy. Right now rising above often looks like taking off, but again baby steps.
There are other things that I have been working on that are going really well. I would say health which is super important to me. After 7 months as a vegetarian, I really feel like this is the right and easy choice for me. I feel healthier and more aligned with my values of animal welfare and environmental protection. Also as part of my work wellness rewards program I was able to get a Nutribullet Pro for free and now everyday I have one meal that is just juiced fruit, veggies and nuts or seeds and it has been great. We rejoined a gym and I have committed to a minimum of 2 day a week strength training with the ideal of 3 days. I can really tell a difference and it helps my running. I am also very consistent about sleep, which has never really been a problem for me. There are other things I could talk about but this is long enough. I will deal with other stuff in another post. If you are working toward a better version of you it may seem like you are not making progress. It is a slow incremental process and I am sure you are further along than you think.