I was listening to a podcast this week about origin stories. I thought about how much had changed in my life over the last 20 months. It is a lot. Since I am nearly 50, I was trying to think what made me want to change some things about my life. From appearances I would have seemed pretty successful and to have everything under control. I was respected in my career, had a good marriage, home, fiends, etc. I think most of the time I was on autopilot and in those moments I wasn’t, I was usually pretty reactive and frankly pretty raw. I had a lot of the things we think about as being ideal. The reality was I was often restless, snarky, judgmental, angry, and mean. What I lacked was what I really wanted, more peace. I wanted to feel internally what it looked like I had externally to most people.
Why all of a sudden? Then listening to this podcast I thought what was my origin story? At first I thought, nothing. Then my mind drifted back to 2013-15. That was not a super time for me. What is that saying, if everything can go wrong it will go wrong. My husband and I were robbed twice the first time was a shock and then the second time about 3 months later. After they had watched the house and made sure we replaced everything. We were renting and our landlord decided the house was safe enough he was not going to make any changes. So we broke our lease, with his consent, and had to find a new place to live rapidly. The situation was not ideal. It was our most stressful move. The house we moved into needed work none of it was done. I had to keep leaving work to get things finished. I had a brand new boss. Also our previous landlord, the one who did nothing to prevent the repeated break-ins, decided he would not refund our deposit since we left after being robbed twice in 3-months.
I was taking care of my mother who was having eye surgery at the time. Then in the spring I got a phone call. We were not celebrating Easter. My brother was in the hospital. By that evening we were all in the hospital when his surgeon told us they removed his colon but the cancer was everywhere and he very little time left. He was gone in less than 2 weeks. We had not been close, but he did live with my mother and handle some day to day duties, so now I needed to find someway to take care of her. In the meantime my aunt fell and went in to rehab. My sister ended up with some severe chronic health problems.
I was stressed, tired, overwhelmed, everyone was looking to me and I was trying to keep it together. My husband was there every step of the way but I am afraid I took out most of my frustration on him. I had running as an outlet and it helped. I needed something else. The what else was not immediately obvious. In fact I tried several things. Then at the end of 2016 I injured my foot and they said no running. I am not going to lie. I was hanging on by a thread. That is when I decided to try one thing. Meditate everyday even if just for a minute. If you read this blog you will know that it has helped me in so many ways to become a better, truer version of myself. By doing that I have been able to give more openly to those I care about and causes I value. What kicked you into change?