I am on day 475 of consecutive meditation. It no longer takes any outside planning or preparation to make sure I meditate. I know I need it. I have seen a lot of benefit from it. I set intentions everyday to pay attention: to the present moment, to how I feel, to how I am reacting, and to the people in my life that really matter. In my mind I see myself in my office when my best friend stops by asking if I have a minute. I say “of course” at which time I fully turn from my computer and phone and give her my full undivided attention. I listen intently and fully hear everything she has to say. That is the me that lives in my intention. I would like to meet her some day.
The me in reality, turns my chair 3/4 towards her with one eye on my screen and the work product I was engaged in and the other eye on her. I am listening to her, but she is only slightly louder than the internal dialogue counting off how many things remain undone on my to do list. Why is this so hard? I have been working with single tasking and it is getting easier. If a person interrupts my single task, I can’t seem to give them singular focus. Why is it so hard to make that switch?
I have similar fantasy at home. My husband will come in, I am absorbed in a book or watching TV and he starts talking about his day or some plans. The fantasy intention girl closes her kindle and gives her husband her undivided attention. She does no interrupt him when he is explaining himself and she is fully aware of everything going on with him. The reality girl may still stay reading thinking ” I talk to people all day I just need a little quiet time with my book or Food Network to recharge.” When we are in the heat of a disagreement I know and I want to stay fully engaged and hear everything he has to say without jumping in and assuming I know best, or that I have to defend myself or my position. I often fall short of that letting adrenaline and a desire to be right win out.
Being there, fully there, and fully engaged is hard. I see myself improving. Sometimes improvement just means I recognized that an opportunity to fully pay attention was missed and I feel badly about it. Two years ago I would have just said. “that’s me! Deal with it.” I want to improve. One of the things I am going to try to do is at least own it. I am going to make an effort to acknowledge when I fall short of intention girl’s goal. I want to admit to someone and apologize when I fail to pay attention. I realize this isn’t the end goal, as with so many things, it is a start. I will let you know how this goes. Do you ever struggle with paying attention?