Fair warning this is embarrassing and sorry if you may see yourself in this too. Believe me I did not want to see myself. So first things first. I am writing this blog on a Wednesday morning exactly 48 minutes into what would be by normal work day. This is causing me only mild heart palpitations. How did I get here and what did I find out.
This is one of those weeks and I have to admit even the more Zen version of myself has been staring it down on my calendar. I have to work late nearly everyday this week. In the past this is how this would have played out. I would show up at work at my normal time, meaning at least 10 minutes before my scheduled start time 7 AM. I would work through lunch and then continue on with my evening obligations of speaking, teaching, etc. I would bolt some innocuous meal between driving from event to event and then get home exhausted and take it out on my husband while running around the house like a lunatic, maniacaly setting up to do it all over tomorrow. Instead I am writing my blog at 7:53.
What changed? This is where the big, embarrassing realization happened. In preparation for this week I asked myself why was I doing this. If I knew I had to work long hours, why was I still coming in at 7 AM and pushing through meals, etc. Wouldn’t it be great if my answer was because I am driven by a purpose greater than myself and the work I do is a calling I follow without regard to additional hours. Caveat, I am passionate about what I do. I mean really who does not need clean drinking water? However, I am not singularly passionate. It does not eclipse my family, my husband, my friends, and my cats. Why was I always making this choice? I am after all a big fan of control. Imagine my surprise when I got quiet during meditation and the answer seemed clear. If I did not do this what would everyone think of me? What? I am an independent, strong woman. I am a control freak. Was the truth that I had always been turning over my control to popular opinion? That I had made this decision over and over to project and protect this image of a hyper-focused professional? An opinion might I add, I had no evidence even existed.
Turns out the answer was yes. Face Palm! So here I am. I got to write my blog, I enjoyed my run, meditation, yoga, and I calmly prepped for tomorrow this morning. So tonight after my event, instead of the inevitable “I am tired and I am stressed let’s fight to the death” evening with my husband. We are planning a relaxing dinner out. I will leave you with this popular, though often disregarded thought. “We would not spend time worrying about what others thought of us; if we realized how rarely they do.”