So I guess the whole reason that we, people, try new things, adopt resolutions, set goals is to be a better version of ourselves. At least that is true for me. A better version for me means a more present, calmer, and compassionate person. I have been working on that. It means letting go of a lot. For a self-proclaimed, and let’s be honest, other proclaimed uptight perfectionist it isn’t easy.
Again more honesty. I was feeling pretty good about my progress. I am less reactive, I do notice when I am acting out of judgement, etc. For god sake I meditate! Then I decided to set limits on my phone. What no one tells you about the road to a better you is that you walk a lot of it in the harsh light of day with the current version of you. I have to say limiting my phone has been harder than meditating everyday. A fact I am not proud of! Could I really be so dependent on some small metal and glass device. Sadly, the answer is yes.
I had a couple of hurdles to overcome. The first is well-known and often written about FOMO – Fear of Missing Out. Without accessing social media for a month and not accessing my phone for several days a week once I leave work, I felt two things I was unprepared for: anxiety and guilt. Anxiety came from the fear of not being responsive to a work issue that might rise. It had been a long time since I physically and mentally left the office. It felt strange. I somehow felt unmoored. What was going on at the office and if I was not fixing it who was? Yeah I know right? Ego much? I had kind of taken a lot of pride in being the always available hero of my own narrative.
The other issue of guilt took me more by surprise. I felt really guilty being home and setting that boundary between work and home. They had inadvertently over the years melted into one thing. I am home but mentally tethered to my work umbilical cord courtesy of Apple. Why was I feeling guilty about leaving work at work and trying to be present with my husband, family, friends and cats? As if that question was not bad enough. I found an even worse one. Why wasn’t I guilty about all the time I was not being physically and mentally present at home and in my relationships?
Well the struggle is real, and the truth can be ugly. Until we look it dead in the eyes and set the phone to airplane mode. Still on the uncertain road to better version of myself. One missed tweet at a time!