I never really thought of peace as something you went actively looking for, in fact that might be the exact opposite of what I thought peace was. I used to think peace was the total absence of something, like chaos or my family (one and the same really). when I was young and in a somewhat chaotic household I used to think and dream of peace the way other girls dream of meeting their soul mate. I was sure it was right around the corner just waiting for me. A quiet and a calm that would be my just reward for living with these freaks, who I, of course, was noting like.
Then fate did that thing it always it does, you know with the laughing and pointing at all of us mere mortals. In this year where I have been trying to be a more centered, present, kinder, calmer version of myself; I found I am actually my own roadblock to peace. I am an admirer of irony, so I am okay with that. Now admittedly I am an amateur in the peace sabotaging business and many of my family members could compete at an Olympic Level. Still I did okay. I can be, brace yourself because you won’t believe it, a tad overly dramatic. Not every headache is a brain tumor dramatic. More like a “why do I have to everything!” sort of dramatic. That robs you of peace. Do you know what doesn’t? Asking your husband to get the laundry while you are busy doing something else. Instant peace like instant mashed potatoes! (I don’t eat those by the way).
I always thought letting go would mean that chaos would stream in, unrestrained. Turns out holding on so tight strangles peace. Today I sat to meditate for a half hour. Outside a storm was kicking up and I just sat. Focusing on my breath and the gratitude that I had a roof over my head and my loved ones. The literal calm in the storm. In the last few months I have been letting go of a lot. Letting go of control and perfection, (though my fingers are still sore from being pried off), saying yes to everything but me, my unnecessary possessions, my useless obsessions, my expectations, and even a few fears. As hard as this is for a control freak perfectionist to admit, in that letting go and succumbing to the great unknown of being, I unexpectedly found peace.