You know that theory about trying to change something, that the universe will give you ample opportunity to master that which you seek to practice. Well thanks universe! I received a call Friday from a key staff person letting me know that she is taking a job somewhere else. I am truly happy for her. This is a great opportunity and the proximity to her home will allow her so much more time to pursue things she loves. It is the next step on her journey and I was pleased to assist her and even wrote a letter to my colleagues who were “stealing her away.”
Funny how the next step in her journey will be an opportunity for me to take several steps in mine. She is leaving in the middle of a work crisis. We are in the middle of a drought and our workload for our small staff of three is already nearly unmanageable. I have noticed that this time I don’t feel the same level of chaos and panic as I normally would. I have known for a few weeks this was a possibility, and I have been making conscious decisions about what we can and can’t commit to. That may seem like a no brainer, but not for someone, who in the past, has prided herself on seeming like I could handle the impossible it is not. In fact you could say I was addicted to pole vaulting over the bar of any reasonable expectations.
As you may know from reading this blog I have been really working on change. I have been meditating on accepting the uncomfortable and just sitting with it. For most of my life I have been a jump in there and plan out every possibility, work until it is nearly physically impossible to do more, put aside everything else. Now when I look back at those times, though I made an enormous personal sacrifice and so did my loved ones, I don’t think there was an appreciable difference in outcome other than the weird pay off I got from “doing the impossible.” That is personally hard to admit but even a little harder to live with the fact that I made that choice over and over.
So here I am again, the opportunity and siren call of exceeding all reasonable expectations beckons. Like Odysseus strapped to the ship I am going to resist. In fact that has already begun. Mentally I have already said to myself about several potential events and activities, “that is impossible.” I was supposed to go to an event Tuesday night, but I know that will add even more work and I can’t commit to that right now. Do I fear that I will miss out on something? If I am being perfectly honest…a little bit. None of this will be easy for me. I am pretty sure I will know I failed in someway when I lock into the present moment in some meeting or presentation and think, “why am I here? I could be home. They don’t need me for this.”
The difference is now I know what I would actually miss by giving into that fear and addiction to succeed and surpass is what really matters. I no longer want to give up time with my husband, assistance to my mom, exercise, cooking healthy meals, contented purrs of happy cats, opportunities to volunteer, blogging and meditation. Let someone else work on that new opportunity. Right now my hands are full; it’s impossible.