Today I am saying good-bye to 47. Tomorrow I start being 48. I am not hung up on my age. I don’t freak out about the big 50. Yes if you are reading this in real-time you now know that I was born on April 1st. Yes insert obligatory “you were born a fool” joke here. First time I heard that; I swear. Also in my defense I would like to point out that the need to disprove my birth destiny may well be the genesis of my Type A perfectionism.
I do feel like I am leaving 47 a little more peaceful, purposeful and centered. I think I am learning, not to Lean In ( I was sort of already all over that) but to breathe into it. I have been working on being more present and getting clarity. I have been trying to find what is truly important to me and then actually living those priorities. Some weeks are harder than others. This week brought a lot of challenges and also, though it pains me to say it, (recovering perfectionist here) a lot failure on the path to the new more peaceful and zen version of myself.
Ever have one of those days where you feel like a pinball machine on TILT? That was yesterday. I had every intention to be that better version of me, well the road to where again, is paved with good intentions. Somewhere on that familiar trip down the rabbit hole, I got this sensation of watching myself like an observer. In that moment, with my boss no less, I was able to stop everything and breathe. After that I was able to begin anew and as my husband would say taking things less personally.
I have many wonderful work mentors and recently one of them, Frank, the most Zen water engineer with a PhD in philosophy, said to me “Kathy you have to learn to be passionate without caring.” To be fair, I love Frank but I only understand about 1/4 of what he says to me. I had filed this away as another of Frank’s riddle of the Sphinx I would never get. I have to say today when resolving one of the big issues from yesterday. I finally got it. I was able to begin walking that long, winding road, paved with more failure, toward that detached passion Frank was shining a light on for me. That is a pretty good birthday present, also giving myself a week off with my husband during his spring break. Namaste!